Letting Go
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Obi suffers from Insomnia as he struggles to let go of a dear friend.


Title: Letting Go  
Author: Obi the Kid  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Pre-TPM (H/C, Angst, non-slash) Obi suffers from Insomnia as he struggles to deal with the anniversary of the death of a close friend.  
Disclaimer: I don't own these guys and make no money from this work.  
Feedback: YES !!! PLEASE!!  
Notes: This is the final part in this series. It assumes knowledge of the first 2 fics, "The Loss of a Friend", and "Bant's Gift." Special thanks to Lorry (Sled-god) for giving me a title for it, even though I ended up changing it.   
  
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"LETTING GO"  
  
(Dedicated, in Memory to Angie, Bear, John Candy and lost friends.)   
  
Healer Darak diagnosed 'Chronic Insomnia' as being the cause for Obi-Wan Kenobi's inability to sleep. For the past three weeks, the 23-year-old Jedi Apprentice to Master Qui-Gon Jinn, had been unable to do anything else other than toss and turn all night. The padawan had told both the healer and Qui-Gon that the cause was mission stress. He would lay in bed for hours upon hours, staring at the ceiling, desperate to find what his body was craving. An hour of restless sleep here and there was all he could claim. Eventually, each night, the young Jedi would get out of bed and wander to the balcony of the apartment he and Qui-Gon shared. He spent countless hours watching the stillness of the Courascant night and wondering how such a place could go from one extreme to the other. So hectic during daylight hours, so serene when dusk fell across the planet.  
  
After time spent on the balcony, he'd wander into the common area of the apartment and flop onto the couch, starring at holo-vids until he lost track of time. His body and mind were exhausted, yet they would not let him sleep. Frustration and fatigue has taken its toll not only on Obi-Wan, but also on Qui-Gon. Over the past weeks, tempers between them had flared on more than one occasion and in the last few days, their arguments had become almost explosive.  
  
Earlier this morning, Obi-Wan's emotions had gotten the better of him and he went off, yelling at his master for 30 minutes before storming out of the apartment. He'd not gotten home until late in the evening when he knew that Qui-Gon was asleep.  
  
There on the balcony is where is stood now, in silence, wishing this nightmare to end.   
So obsessed in his thoughts that he failed to hear Qui-Gon approach from the doorway.   
  
The tall Jedi stood quietly next to his student. "Beautiful at night, isn't it?"  
Obi-Wan jerked his head around to look directly into his master's cobalt eyes. Immediately, he lowered his gaze and reacted on instinct. "Yes, master."  
  
"I don't wish to disturb you padawan, I only want to be sure that you are well. I have never seen you display such visible anger and frustration as you did earlier today."  
  
Continuing to look away from the man next to him, Obi-Wan spoke quietly. "I...I'm sorry for my behavior master. I had no right to speak to you in such a way." He hung his head. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Obi-Wan, I only wish to help you, but I need you to talk to me. This insomnia is not from mission stress, I can assure you. There is something else there. Please padawan, don't push me away."  
  
Through their years together, Obi-Wan had not been one to freely show his emotions. Often Qui-Gon would have to pry into the boys head...such was the case once more. The apprentice maintained an unhealthy fear of emotion, despite Jinn's teachings to the contrary. Now it was up to the Jedi Master to break through that hard exterior once again. He looked at his friend, who had begun pacing back and forth on the small balcony. Qui-Gon could feel the emotions boiling within the young mind.  
  
"It's nothing master. Just some painful memories. It'll go away soon."  
  
Qui-Gon refused to let him off that easy. "Tell me padawan. What's is troubling you?   
Stop shutting me out. Talk to me. Let me help you."  
  
Unable to contain the swirling emotions any longer, Obi-Wan exploded into a burst of anger. "I DON'T NEED YOU TO KNOW EVERYTHING QUI-GON!!! THIS IS MY PROBLEM. DOESN'T CONCERN YOU!!! JUST PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT...please...I will handle this on my own...I..."  
  
Qui-Gon reached a hand towards the young man. "Obi-Wan."  
  
"NO!!! No, master. Please...just stop...It'll get better on it's own..."  
  
"No, it won't Obi-Wan. Whatever it is, it's eating away at you. Please talk to me padawan, please."  
  
Obi-Wan sighed and sat down on the bench. In a small, weak voice, he spoke the two words that almost broke the Jedi Master's heart. "It hurts."  
  
Gathering himself, Qui-Gon sat down next to him. "Tell me what hurts padawan."  
  
"I miss her." Something in Qui-Gon's sub-conciousness snapped into place. //Force! Why didn't I see this coming.//  
  
The 12th day, this month, marked the one-year anniversary of Bant's death, Obi-Wan's closest and dearest friend. Qui-Gon was sure that his apprentice was reliving every second of her last days in his head. Putting himself through hell time and time again. He was ignorant to have believed that the boy had put her death behind him in the past year, even though, Obi-Wan said he had done just that. Now the Jedi understood why the younger man's outbursts were becoming more frequent and more desperate. And why his mind would not allow his body to sleep. Why, after the past weeks, he was almost at the breaking point.  
  
"It's difficult to let go of someone you love, but in order to move on, you must. I know you miss her. The first year is always the most difficult, but you must let her go padawan."  
  
Obi-Wan let his head drop into his hands. "Why did she have to leave me? She was...my best friend. I don't think I can...ever. I don't want to let go."  
  
Draping an arm across the small shoulders, Qui-Gon centered on his patience. Obi-Wan sat up, leaned towards his master and lay his head on his shoulder. "How can I let go master. I don't know how."  
====================  
Over the span of the next week, the frustrations continued. Obi-Wan, although he had opened up to his master, was still unable to find sleep. The 12th day approached and the painful memories became worse. Qui-Gon would sit with him until the early morning hours, attempting to help deal with the feelings. They would watch holo-vids, practice low-level Kata's, watch the Courscant night, anything to make the time go by. Every so often, they would sit in companionable silence, wondering if this would ever end.  
  
Healer Darak had gone over the program that the young Jedi was to be practicing. Obi-Wan was only to go to bed if he felt himself about to fall asleep. If he lay in bed for more than 30 minutes without being able to sleep, Darak told him to get up and do something, anything. "If you can't fall asleep, I want you out of bed. Read a book, meditate, practice your Kata's, take a walk. Do anything but lay in that bed and worry about falling asleep. You need to start on relaxation exercises, these should be part of your daily activity. Do not dwell on the fact that you can't sleep, it'll only get worse."  
====================   
As the 12th day loomed, Obi-Wan continued to struggle. He hadn't slept at all in the last 3 days, and was exhausted, yet wide-awake. The one person he had to thank for enabling him to keep his sanity, slept soundly on the couch. The student's sleepless days had driven Qui-Gon past the point of exhaustion.  
  
The turning point for Obi-Wan came on the day before the anniversary of Bant's passing. Obi-Wan spent the hours pacing the apartment, doing everything he could to keep the memories at bay. After five hours of intense stress, Obi-Wan's breaking point had come. Standing in the common area of the apartment, in the late night hours, he fell to his knees and dropped his head into his hands. Everything had become too much for the young man to bear, and he was overwhelmed.   
  
There, in the center of the room, Obi-Wan broke down.   
  
Qui-Gon awoke to the sound of muffled crying. Leaving his room, he found the source.   
Obi-Wan, on his knees, bent over and shoulders shaking, had lost his battle for control.  
  
"Obi-Wan?" There was no answer so Qui-Gon knelt next to him, placed a hand on the boy's back and soothed him. "Obi-Wan?" The young Jedi continued to cry and soon Qui-Gon felt tears forming in his own tired eyes. "This is a good thing padawan, do not be ashamed of letting your emotions out. It is something that you needed to do. It hurts, but it is for the best."  
  
A few minutes passed, yet Obi-Wan's helpless sobbing continued. Having seen enough of   
the pain that the apprentice was putting himself through, Qui-Gon took his hand from   
Obi-Wan's back and wrapped both arms around his student. The young Jedi tensed for a brief moment before falling into the embrace. Qui-Gon leaned against the couch and made every attempt to comfort his friend. Stroking his hair and rocking him slightly, he sat quietly. Obi-Wan needed him. Nothing else mattered.  
====================  
When the Jedi Master awoke the next morning, he was still sitting on the floor, leaning heavily against the couch. His apprentice still safely wrapped in his arms...sound asleep.  
  
Qui-Gon whispered, more to himself than to Obi-Wan. "Well padawan, it wasn't easy. But things with you never are, are they? Sleep has finally come for you."  
  
Unwilling to move, and afraid to wake the sleeping form huddled against his chest, Qui-Gon leaned back once more and settled in. However long Obi-Wan required his presence, he vowed to be there. Looking down, Qui-Gon leaned forward just a bit and gently kissed the top of the boy's head. "I am here Obi-Wan."   
  
Obi-Wan shifted slightly, but relaxed as Qui-Gon tightened his hold. Together, both master and padawan found the deep sleep that had been so very elusive.   
  
Hours passed before Obi-Wan opened his eyes. He looked around worriedly before he realized where he was...safe in his master's embrace. He lay still, not wanting this feeling of home...of safety, to end. Blinking hard several times, a thought came to him. Today was the day. One year ago, his life changed forever when he lost his best friend.  
  
Qui-Gon felt his apprentice stir, looked down to see exhausted eyes peering back at him. "Welcome back padawan. You've been out for quite some time."  
  
"Master, I have to get up. I need to meet Reeft and Garen at the Observation Gardens. I can't be late. I made a promise." He got up and steadied himself.  
  
"Promise to who?"  
  
"It was Bant's favorite place to sit and talk. We promised her when she...when she was dying that we would get together there one year later. Please master, this is very important, I need to do this...They are probably waiting for me. I need...I need to say goodbye one more time. I know it'll help me to deal with this and to...let go."  
  
"It's okay Obi-Wan. I do not wish to intrude, however I would like to attend with you." He stood and stared at his apprentice.  
  
Surprisingly, Obi-Wan gave a small smile. "I would like that master, very much."  
====================  
Obi-Wan met Reeft and Garen in the Gardens. Their remembrance ceremony of Bant was short but very emotional. Each padawan lit a single candle, and said a few personal words to their lost friend. When they had said all that needed to be, they turned and held each other in a tight hug. Qui-Gon stood next to the other two Jedi Masters, those of Reeft and Garen. They too had wished to attend and offer support to their students. They watched as the three apprentices broke the embrace, wiped the tears away and promised d never forget their dear friend, Bant.   
  
That evening Obi-Wan asked Qui-Gon if he would mind staying up with him for a bit. The padawan knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep, but for whatever reason, needed the company of his mentor beside him.   
  
"What shall we do padawan? Holo-vids? Kata's?"  
  
Obi-Wan gave a firm shake of his head. "No, master. Could we just talk for a while? I...I just want someone to talk to."  
  
"You know all you need do is ask Obi-Wan."  
  
They spent the next four or five hours talking about lost friends and about the future. Qui-Gon saw that Obi-Wan's eyes began to droop. He remembered Healer Darak telling Obi-Wan to seek his bed when he felt himself slipping, but there was such a peace surrounding the boy right now. Qui-Gon feared disturbing that peace if he pushed him towards his room. So they remained on the couch. It wasn't long before the young Jedi was fighting to hold his head up and keep his eyes open. A few minutes later, he fell back against the couch. Qui-Gon pulled him close and like the previous night, wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders.   
  
Obi-Wan began mumbling. "It's okay Bant...Qui-Gon will...take care...of me...don't...cry...please. I miss you. I'm okay now...promise...see you someday...love you..."  
  
Qui-Gon whispered in to his padawans short-cropped hair. "You will see her again padawan. It is the will of the Force. Until then, I am here. Now shhh...sleep my son." With those words, Obi-Wan fell into a deep and heavy sleep, and for the first time in weeks, was able to sleep through the night.  
====================  
As Obi-Wan retrained his mind and body to learn to sleep again, things were not easy. He was restless many nights and unwilling to try and sleep during others. During those difficult nights, Qui-Gon would sit with him on the couch and they would talk. Each time, Obi-Wan would fall asleep leaning against his master. And each time, he would sleep soundly for hours. Darak did not like the idea that the apprentice could not get a solid night's rest without Qui-Gon next to him, but for the time being, he let it slide. He knew how important each Jedi was to the other. For now, at least, Obi-Wan was resting more than he had been. Darak thought that he'd allow him to catch up on his sleep, then launch into the reconditioning programs that would be required to clear both Jedi for active duty once again.  
  
Early one morning, Obi-Wan awoke to find Qui-Gon still with him. He needed to talk to his master. To thank him for what he had done. To tell him how important he was to him. To tell him how proud he was to have Qui-Gon Jinn as his master, friend and father. To tell him that he loved him. But he couldn't form the words with his mouth, so he stayed as he was, hoping that Qui-Gon already knew what it was he wished to say. What he couldn't say.  
  
Obi-Wan felt and arm on his shoulders tighten a bit. "I know Obi-Wan, I am proud to call you my apprentice and my son. There is no need to thank me, I was only doing what a parent does for a child who is in pain. Thank you for your presence in my life."  
  
The young Jedi fought for the two words that he had used so often. Tears gently slipping down his face, he replied. "Yes, master." And once again, he fell into a deep sleep.  
  
Qui-Gon shut his eyes. "Rest now my Obi-Wan. Let her go. She will wait for you. Remember that she will always love you, as will I. Sleep now. I am here."  
  
As Bant's shimmering form looked down on her friend, she smiled. An unimaginable feeling of comfort and peace encompassed the young man, and she knew that he had finally let go. She whispered into the force before she vanished within it. "I love you Obi, I will see you again. Until then, hang on to Qui-Gon. He will never fail you. Goodbye Obi. Miss you. I will always be near."   
  
END  



End file.
